In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
