I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
