Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
