who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
