Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
