So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
