I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
