Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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