Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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