Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
