There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
