I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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