The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
