A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I have tasted many bathrooms
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
