what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
