I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
