I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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