I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
