I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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