I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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