Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
