My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
