Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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