Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
