Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
