he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
