your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
