I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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