if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
