I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
how does that bad decision feel?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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