Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I met the friendliest cop last night
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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