My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
