You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
