Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
