So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
