If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
FUCK WHALES
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
