Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
