The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You can't special order awesome
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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