I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
