in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
