I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
