we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
there is glitter all over my balls
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
