you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
