I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
