my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
