There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
