I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
