girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
