4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
