I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
