So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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