Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
