Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
