I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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