the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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